STAND UP COMEDY

1)

Did you remember the ad Axe Deodorant?

When a boy followed by thousands of girls

He just used axe deo.

I thought , I will also

Then I applied all over my body

Went to the office and said ,

<clap>common girls

No one came

I only approached that girl aren’t you feeling some fragrance

<female>She said, No exactly fragrance but I am feeling some kind of a smell, you know the kind of rat died and

2)

Ascent : Priest

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.

Hyderabadi version of twinkle

Twinkle twinkle haule staraaan

Ghaliz potte kidhar jara

Kya re miyan theroko bolro main

Are jaa re  jaa baigan ke baalan .

We use lot of words in wrong place…BACKSIDE

Where is this synergy park

Indira Gandhi backside

Hey u come  home we will grow  carrot in backside

My friends is in the backside , riding me

3)

One of my childhood friend has his name in sync with his nature

His name is Fakruddin

Fakruddin had some problem so he went to a doctor

Fak : I have some problem

Doc: Hmm tell me

Fak: No actually I have some pain here backside

Doc: Ok, wears his gloves, u pull down ur pants, I will insert my hand let me know exactly where the pain is , I will give the treatment accordingly

Doc: Here, noo, still inside , here, no still inside, here, no still inside here , yes yes

Doc: hits sim, idiot , why did u not tell me that u have tonsils problem

He was little shy so

4)

I have heard in multiplexed just like 3D glasses they are giving blankets too

I asked them, why blankets

They replied sir, in case u feel like getting intimate

That’s very thoughtful of u, may be there will be surgeons.

U are watching the movie and u want ur kidney stone removed or get a brain transplant done

Which u might need if u r watching a ram gopal varma film

You really have to buy a guide along with the movie to understand what he wants to explain

Even a quick Botox

Just slide under the blanket and things will never be the same again.

5)Jokes

Some environmental experts believe that global warming is a real threat now

Imran hashmi and Sunny leonine should be held responsible as due to recent circulations of certain videos on internet the Himalayas have started melting.

5)

The Management Jargon of our corporate sector use a very unique and ambiguous language

Letting you go \ Pink slip: No I am talking what Mrs. Sharma comes wearing in the balcony every day, it just simply says U idiot u r no longer useful, Get lost.

So it was my appraisal time, then suddenly outlook beeped a mail from PM asking me to come in to cabin for a discussion

I stood up did surya namesakar , went round the my cabin 3 times and  slowly went to his cabin…

CONGRATUALTIONS!

You are Fantastic, Super, Mind Blowing, Unbelievable! and handed me an envelope.

As I opened the coffin, I mean the envelope. It read

As per the Company Penal Code (1984) under the section 302 your rating is below average and you are rated as ‘C’

Why ‘C’

We know u already are Fantastic, Super, Mind Blowing, Unbelievable,so because u met your expectations u are rated as ‘C’

6) Very soon in IT companies there will be a paradigm shift in resource allocation

Resources on the bench would be shouting:

Dotnet , Java, BI , SAP……….

Manual, auto mated testing …….

Manager on the top floor sees:

Hey dot net babu , come here clean up the code and go ……..

SHOOT AT SIGHT

SHOOT AT SIGHT

It was early morning 11 am on a Saturday, suddenly I received two important calls

I could not delay any of them one of was about the marriage proposal, I was excited.

Marriage? Me? Control. Control.

The other call was also an important call

No!  It was not either from my manager nor was it a Trunk call.

It was the nature’s call. Finally I had done both and relieved too.

We had to go for my marriage proposal in our village next Sunday.

I was thrilled as it is my first marriage proposal and also as I was getting married for the first time in my life ,I fantasized as if it’s my Bharath procession, I am sitting on a horse and everyone are dancing and I am flying 100 rupee notes.

  “Note hazaaro'n ke, khulla chhutta karaane aaaaya”

 I thoroughly prepared myself by practising in front of mirror as if it is my visa interview and also had done facial 10 times , sitting for facial was kind of chemotherapy but I had to do it to look better  than what I am .

That Fateful Sunday came; we booked a cab and started for the village. The village is so secured that no GPS system can find the village map. As soon as we have reached that village I found a mob of people coming towards my cab to receive me. As soon as I got down from the car, they started staring at me like as if I am newly joined animal in the zoo.

The house was fully decorated with mango tree branches and Garlands. I got a doubt that did i come for only marriage proposal or am I going to get married now itself? Then a group of 4 or 5 aunties’ came towards us with a plate to welcome us with  harathi . They started singing

Hum ko man ki Shakti dena

Man vijay kare

Doosro ki jay se pehle

Khud ko jay kare

I did know what they meant by that song, but for sure I got motivated to perform to the best of my ability. I was asked to enter by placing my right leg first.

Sentiment for them but for me it is excitement!

After entering in to the home i found a big hall filled with silk sarees and lungis and some dhotis. My eyes were searching for my my Sheila and Sheila ki jaawani, that was when I was told that we have to wait for another 30 minutes some old Great grandfather believed that the Rahu and Ketu are wrestling against each other in WWE .

Oh my God, another 30 minutes??

Sentiment Again, But it was excitement for me as the suspense is about to be revealed.

People started a rapid fire third degree interrogation by asking questions

Which company and what do you do?

I said I work for Apple

Some old big fat uncle replied why are working in Apple and Banana milk shake companies , Were you not good enough to get into Satyam

I told my client is GHMC; we are creating the automation of sewage network using our company’s proprietary tools and methodologies. Our onsite set up is in Musi and fully functional offshore facility is at faltunagar.

Finally one dhoti uncle offered a chair and asked me to sit by facing east,the girl was asked to sit facing to north. I was going nuts. When I turned my waiting list ticket got confirmed, directly from waiting list to 2 tier AC.

JACKPOT!  . I smiled at her, she too smiled at me. She was beautiful, she was the optimized and hybrid variety of Munni , Sheila and Chammak Challo .I said to myself HIP HIP HURRAY , HIP HIP HURRAY !

I asked them can we talk in private

They all shouted NO in unison , I was shocked by their overreaction and over action.

  

Meanwhile one good looking aunty offered some snacks for us. I was damn hungry at that time started eating crazy; I thought at least the cab expenses will be covered.

Suddenly one old lady asked me, what she can eat first “Sweet or hot“?

i Said that u can eat whatever u want.

But she forced me to tell. Without any particular preference or choice I said “Sweet”. They started shouting and hugging each other saying the girl is very lucky.

I didn’t find any relation between sweet and the bride’s luck; I had no clue as what was happening there. My uncle clarified that “according to their tradition asking them to eat sweet means that I am ready to marry this girl.”

So   I had to marry my wife because on that fateful day I asked some unknown stranger to eat sweet, my shoot at sight orders were issued till date I am under arrest!

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear

 

For the first time I heard the quote “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, I did not find any meaning in it. I thought the teacher has to be proactive in teaching others and in the process, the student will learn. If the teacher never takes action, the student never learns.



It was only recently that I gain some understanding. Most of us, if not all of us, hear only what we are ready to hear. If we are not ready to receive no matter how sound the advice is, nothing will get into our head. It is ourselves who choose to filter out information. The fact is the teacher is always ready to teach but the student is not always ready to listen.



This saying has had profound meaning for me throughout my Journey. Looking back, I can see that the knowledge I sought rarely arrived before I was able to absorb it – and if it did, it reappeared again later so I could appreciate it with the right perspective, As another proverb so wisely states, "Teachers open the door, but you must enter yourself."

                                                                                                                                         

This Zen saying also applies here in toastmasters: Be open to those who would mentor you, for they will come to you, perhaps when you need them the most. A mentor is a trusted guide, a teacher, a coach, a person who provides us with wise counsel in our professional and personal development



There seems to be an assumption that the teacher is a physical being that comes along. This is a spiritual statement which means when the student is ready in character and spirit, the inner master-teacher will appear. The “teacher” referred can also be an event; something that happens to you that has a deep impact on who you are and how you think



You Don’t Know When This May Happen to You



You never know when an event like this may happen to you; all we can do is keep an open mind and open heart and expose ourselves to situations where we can “allow” our “teacher” to appear.


Is it not true that we all are teachers and students at the same time, We're all students and teachers at different moments on this journey called life - someone can irk and annoy you when in fact they are sent to teach you patience. I think if we look closely enough, everyone we interact with can teach us something, and the most unexpected people can in fact be our greatest teachers. So the right teacher is always appearing in our experience - it just depends if we are conscious enough to recognize them as a teacher.



Be a ready student – the answer that you seek will come to you , But obviously, the ready student will search a teacher.



A book does not need to be read to exist, it still exist whether it is read or not, but a student to learn needs to read the book. This is why the student needs the teacher but the teacher does not need the student. This is why the saying is "when the student is ready the teacher will appear", not "when the teacher is ready the student will appear."



When you are ready for an answer, the universe will send you a teacher via the most appropriate method.