STAND UP COMEDY

1)

Did you remember the ad Axe Deodorant?

When a boy followed by thousands of girls

He just used axe deo.

I thought , I will also

Then I applied all over my body

Went to the office and said ,

<clap>common girls

No one came

I only approached that girl aren’t you feeling some fragrance

<female>She said, No exactly fragrance but I am feeling some kind of a smell, you know the kind of rat died and

2)

Ascent : Priest

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.

Hyderabadi version of twinkle

Twinkle twinkle haule staraaan

Ghaliz potte kidhar jara

Kya re miyan theroko bolro main

Are jaa re  jaa baigan ke baalan .

We use lot of words in wrong place…BACKSIDE

Where is this synergy park

Indira Gandhi backside

Hey u come  home we will grow  carrot in backside

My friends is in the backside , riding me

3)

One of my childhood friend has his name in sync with his nature

His name is Fakruddin

Fakruddin had some problem so he went to a doctor

Fak : I have some problem

Doc: Hmm tell me

Fak: No actually I have some pain here backside

Doc: Ok, wears his gloves, u pull down ur pants, I will insert my hand let me know exactly where the pain is , I will give the treatment accordingly

Doc: Here, noo, still inside , here, no still inside, here, no still inside here , yes yes

Doc: hits sim, idiot , why did u not tell me that u have tonsils problem

He was little shy so

4)

I have heard in multiplexed just like 3D glasses they are giving blankets too

I asked them, why blankets

They replied sir, in case u feel like getting intimate

That’s very thoughtful of u, may be there will be surgeons.

U are watching the movie and u want ur kidney stone removed or get a brain transplant done

Which u might need if u r watching a ram gopal varma film

You really have to buy a guide along with the movie to understand what he wants to explain

Even a quick Botox

Just slide under the blanket and things will never be the same again.

5)Jokes

Some environmental experts believe that global warming is a real threat now

Imran hashmi and Sunny leonine should be held responsible as due to recent circulations of certain videos on internet the Himalayas have started melting.

5)

The Management Jargon of our corporate sector use a very unique and ambiguous language

Letting you go \ Pink slip: No I am talking what Mrs. Sharma comes wearing in the balcony every day, it just simply says U idiot u r no longer useful, Get lost.

So it was my appraisal time, then suddenly outlook beeped a mail from PM asking me to come in to cabin for a discussion

I stood up did surya namesakar , went round the my cabin 3 times and  slowly went to his cabin…

CONGRATUALTIONS!

You are Fantastic, Super, Mind Blowing, Unbelievable! and handed me an envelope.

As I opened the coffin, I mean the envelope. It read

As per the Company Penal Code (1984) under the section 302 your rating is below average and you are rated as ‘C’

Why ‘C’

We know u already are Fantastic, Super, Mind Blowing, Unbelievable,so because u met your expectations u are rated as ‘C’

6) Very soon in IT companies there will be a paradigm shift in resource allocation

Resources on the bench would be shouting:

Dotnet , Java, BI , SAP……….

Manual, auto mated testing …….

Manager on the top floor sees:

Hey dot net babu , come here clean up the code and go ……..

SHOOT AT SIGHT

SHOOT AT SIGHT

It was early morning 11 am on a Saturday, suddenly I received two important calls

I could not delay any of them one of was about the marriage proposal, I was excited.

Marriage? Me? Control. Control.

The other call was also an important call

No!  It was not either from my manager nor was it a Trunk call.

It was the nature’s call. Finally I had done both and relieved too.

We had to go for my marriage proposal in our village next Sunday.

I was thrilled as it is my first marriage proposal and also as I was getting married for the first time in my life ,I fantasized as if it’s my Bharath procession, I am sitting on a horse and everyone are dancing and I am flying 100 rupee notes.

  “Note hazaaro'n ke, khulla chhutta karaane aaaaya”

 I thoroughly prepared myself by practising in front of mirror as if it is my visa interview and also had done facial 10 times , sitting for facial was kind of chemotherapy but I had to do it to look better  than what I am .

That Fateful Sunday came; we booked a cab and started for the village. The village is so secured that no GPS system can find the village map. As soon as we have reached that village I found a mob of people coming towards my cab to receive me. As soon as I got down from the car, they started staring at me like as if I am newly joined animal in the zoo.

The house was fully decorated with mango tree branches and Garlands. I got a doubt that did i come for only marriage proposal or am I going to get married now itself? Then a group of 4 or 5 aunties’ came towards us with a plate to welcome us with  harathi . They started singing

Hum ko man ki Shakti dena

Man vijay kare

Doosro ki jay se pehle

Khud ko jay kare

I did know what they meant by that song, but for sure I got motivated to perform to the best of my ability. I was asked to enter by placing my right leg first.

Sentiment for them but for me it is excitement!

After entering in to the home i found a big hall filled with silk sarees and lungis and some dhotis. My eyes were searching for my my Sheila and Sheila ki jaawani, that was when I was told that we have to wait for another 30 minutes some old Great grandfather believed that the Rahu and Ketu are wrestling against each other in WWE .

Oh my God, another 30 minutes??

Sentiment Again, But it was excitement for me as the suspense is about to be revealed.

People started a rapid fire third degree interrogation by asking questions

Which company and what do you do?

I said I work for Apple

Some old big fat uncle replied why are working in Apple and Banana milk shake companies , Were you not good enough to get into Satyam

I told my client is GHMC; we are creating the automation of sewage network using our company’s proprietary tools and methodologies. Our onsite set up is in Musi and fully functional offshore facility is at faltunagar.

Finally one dhoti uncle offered a chair and asked me to sit by facing east,the girl was asked to sit facing to north. I was going nuts. When I turned my waiting list ticket got confirmed, directly from waiting list to 2 tier AC.

JACKPOT!  . I smiled at her, she too smiled at me. She was beautiful, she was the optimized and hybrid variety of Munni , Sheila and Chammak Challo .I said to myself HIP HIP HURRAY , HIP HIP HURRAY !

I asked them can we talk in private

They all shouted NO in unison , I was shocked by their overreaction and over action.

  

Meanwhile one good looking aunty offered some snacks for us. I was damn hungry at that time started eating crazy; I thought at least the cab expenses will be covered.

Suddenly one old lady asked me, what she can eat first “Sweet or hot“?

i Said that u can eat whatever u want.

But she forced me to tell. Without any particular preference or choice I said “Sweet”. They started shouting and hugging each other saying the girl is very lucky.

I didn’t find any relation between sweet and the bride’s luck; I had no clue as what was happening there. My uncle clarified that “according to their tradition asking them to eat sweet means that I am ready to marry this girl.”

So   I had to marry my wife because on that fateful day I asked some unknown stranger to eat sweet, my shoot at sight orders were issued till date I am under arrest!

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear

 

For the first time I heard the quote “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, I did not find any meaning in it. I thought the teacher has to be proactive in teaching others and in the process, the student will learn. If the teacher never takes action, the student never learns.



It was only recently that I gain some understanding. Most of us, if not all of us, hear only what we are ready to hear. If we are not ready to receive no matter how sound the advice is, nothing will get into our head. It is ourselves who choose to filter out information. The fact is the teacher is always ready to teach but the student is not always ready to listen.



This saying has had profound meaning for me throughout my Journey. Looking back, I can see that the knowledge I sought rarely arrived before I was able to absorb it – and if it did, it reappeared again later so I could appreciate it with the right perspective, As another proverb so wisely states, "Teachers open the door, but you must enter yourself."

                                                                                                                                         

This Zen saying also applies here in toastmasters: Be open to those who would mentor you, for they will come to you, perhaps when you need them the most. A mentor is a trusted guide, a teacher, a coach, a person who provides us with wise counsel in our professional and personal development



There seems to be an assumption that the teacher is a physical being that comes along. This is a spiritual statement which means when the student is ready in character and spirit, the inner master-teacher will appear. The “teacher” referred can also be an event; something that happens to you that has a deep impact on who you are and how you think



You Don’t Know When This May Happen to You



You never know when an event like this may happen to you; all we can do is keep an open mind and open heart and expose ourselves to situations where we can “allow” our “teacher” to appear.


Is it not true that we all are teachers and students at the same time, We're all students and teachers at different moments on this journey called life - someone can irk and annoy you when in fact they are sent to teach you patience. I think if we look closely enough, everyone we interact with can teach us something, and the most unexpected people can in fact be our greatest teachers. So the right teacher is always appearing in our experience - it just depends if we are conscious enough to recognize them as a teacher.



Be a ready student – the answer that you seek will come to you , But obviously, the ready student will search a teacher.



A book does not need to be read to exist, it still exist whether it is read or not, but a student to learn needs to read the book. This is why the student needs the teacher but the teacher does not need the student. This is why the saying is "when the student is ready the teacher will appear", not "when the teacher is ready the student will appear."



When you are ready for an answer, the universe will send you a teacher via the most appropriate method.

They say Winning is not Important

They say winning is not important

But then why does it gives so much happiness ?

 It is true that every journey will have a destination

 But sometimes strangely the journey itself becomes a destination !

TRUST

Jane had always been the “black sheep” of her family. She came from a rural and very conservative Middle Georgia clan, and had fought constantly with her parents since she was a child. Jane wanted no part of the settled and routine life her parents had lead – she was an impulsive free-spirit who would travel to the far corners of the earth at a moment’s notice, sometimes not even knowing where she was headed, or why.

So it came as no surprise when, a few weeks shy of her 30th birthday, Jane announced that she was leaving her high-paying job at a major corporation to fulfill her life’s dream – to become a professional sculptor. She sold her expensive suburban apartment and moved into an abandoned mill in one of the rougher areas of Atlanta. She planned on converting part of the space into a full-time studio and living area.

Her parents were horrified, especially when they learned that her studio was just a few miles down the road from the county jail. And Jane didn’t see the need to rig her studio with an expensive alarm system, for her neighbors seemed nice enough. But like every other discussion Jane had with her father, his words of warning went in one ear and out the other.

So on her 30th birthday, her father took matters into his own hands and bought Jane a guard dog – a Doberman named Max from the local humane society. The dog had been abused by his former owners, and had become mean and distrustful of humans. But Jane always had a strong love for animals, and she took the poor dog into her care. In a matter of weeks, Max became very much attached to Jane, and extremely protective whenever anyone else would approach her.

One morning, Jane came home from a trip to the hardware store to find Max lying in the middle of the floor, coughing and wheezing uncontrollably. She immediately rushed him to the local veterinarian, who performed a series of tests. After a while, the vet was satisfied that Max wasn’t dangerously sick, but he couldn’t figure out why the dog was still coughing.

“Don’t worry,” he told Jane in his calm and soothing voice, “Max looks perfectly healthy. But I’d like to run some additional tests on him this afternoon. Why don’t you go home and I’ll call you when we know something. There’s no sense in sitting in the waiting room all day.”

So Jane got back in her car, made a trip to the health food store, and then returned home. As she walked through the door, she could hear the phone ringing in her bedroom. Loaded down with shopping bags, she decided to let her voice-mail catch the call. But no sooner had the phone stopped ringing then it started ringing again. Thinking it may be an emergency – or perhaps an annoying telemarketer who needed to be yelled at – Jane dropped her bags and ran to the phone, catching it on its last ring.

“Hello?” she breathlessly answered.

She was surprised to find her veterinarian on the other end. “Jane, we have some results on Max. We need you to come back to the office.”

“Okay. I’ll be there in an hour or so…”

“…No, Jane,” interrupted the vet in a barely controlled voice. “We need you to come down now.”

Jane was taken aback by the sound of his voice. She could hear the tension lurking behind his words. There was something he wasn’t telling her. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Is Max okay?”

“We’ll talk about that when you get here,” answered the vet, his voice growing louder and more agitated. “Just get in the car now.”

“Why can’t you tell me over the phone?” asked Jane.

The vet suddenly blurted out, “Are you in the house alone?”

A chill ran through Jane’s blood. She slowly sat on her bed and replied, “Yes. Why?”

She could hear the vet taking a deep breath on the other end of the phone. Then, barely able to contain the tremor in his throat, he said in a hushed voice, “Listen to me carefully. We found out why Max was coughing.”

It was then that Jane noticed her bedroom window. A hole had been punched through the glass, and it was unlocked.

“Jane, are you there?”

“Yes,” Jane answered, her voice starting to shake.

She then noticed drops of blood on her carpet. They stretched across the room and underneath her closet door. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but what we found in your dog’s throat were fingers. Human fingers.”

As the vet spoke, Jane sat frozen as she watched the closet door slowly creak open on its rusted hinges. “Did you hear what I said? He bit the fingers off somebody’s hand!”

Jane still didn’t answer. In the darkness of the closet, she swore she could see the hand of a large man, blood dripping from where his fingers had been gnawed off. And on his arm was the orange sleeve of a prison uniform.

“There’s somebody here,” Jane whispered into the phone.

“Get out of the house, Jane! For God’s sake, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!!!”

The phone line went dead.

As the vet as was not able to reach Jane, he immediately searched visitor’s database for an alternative number, luckily Jane disclosed her parent’s details to which, vet called to inform that Jane is in danger.

As soon as Jane’s parents learnt that she is in danger they got an idea, they thought this is a great opportunity to kill her.

Yes! They wanted to kill their daughter and put the blame on someone else.

 Jane’s father Tony was on his way to put an end to Jane’s life the reason being, Jane was an adopted child but Jane was not aware of this fact. Many years ago Jane’s real father who was a drug addict and a dangerous convict decided to give all his wealth to Mr. and Mrs. Tony and in return requested them to bring up Jane as he did not want his daughter to be embarrassed about being the daughter of a criminal, but now as she had grown up he had to transfer entire wealth to Jane which made Tony angry and provoked him. Tony was not willing to give away all the treasure but instead was ready to kill Jane.

Meanwhile Jane knew that she is not alone in her house. There is a genuine fear inside her, the fear of unknown, and the fear of her life in risk, she is under a severe panic attack …

Jane missed her dog Max badly and she also wished that her parents would come and save her, the irony was her father Tony is indeed coming not to save but to murder her ,Jane is extremely nervous; she knew that a stranger in a prisoner’s uniform probably a prisoner from the nearby jail is in the house. In anxiety and confusion not knowing what to do, she rushed to the basement to hide

It seemed as if she will surely die now if not in the hands of the prisoner; she would definitely die in the hands of her father who is steaming in to kill her, the prisoner whose right hand with no fingers is soaked in blood holds a pistol in his left hand starts’ looking for Jane. After searching top floors of the studio he slowly goes down to the basement, Jane reacts quickly eludes him and flees towards the Main Gate shouting and screaming for help.

 Someone Please Help, Please Help!

At the same time, driving with head lights on and with great speed a Car honks at the main gate, it was none other than Tony. Jane finally felt happy and relieved thinking that she is safe now.  But as soon as Tony comes out of his car he takes out his handgun and starts firing at Jane.

Jane is scared to death, she is unable to understand what is happening, she for a moment thought that Tony is firing at the prisoner but could not interpret why the bullets are coming at her; she runs away from the car now and goes towards house again.  This is the first time she sees prisoner’s face, immediately the prisoner screams Jane please move away.

For a minute Jane is baffled and mystified. She has no clue why her father Tony is firing at her and how did the prisoner call by her name!

It is  completely chaotic out there.

Out of nowhere the prisoner picks ups his pistol with his left hand and fires twice accurately straight into Tony’s head. Tony is laid down on the ground.

In tears Jane shouts daddy! Daddy! She runs as hard as she can towards Tony. Fuming with anger and in complete rage, Jane picks up the gun lying down and points out at prisoner and questions

Why did u kill my dad?

The prisoner drops his pistol and says baby I am your real dad .please trust me. Believe me, Tony has adopted you and now after so many years he now wants to kill you. He loves your property not you. Trust me dear. Trust me for once.

Jane does not believe the prisoner and shoots at him. The bullet hits the unarmed prisoner in his heart.

Jane’s real father who actually saved her from Tony in his last breath says

“Please take care dear. I love u my angel. Sometimes one needs to blindly trust.

Good Bye!”

New kid on the block

 I wear my heart on my sleeve

Though naive, I believe I can achieve

When mind and soul converge

I am sure new thoughts will emerge……………………………...

WEEPING ENVIRONMENT

WEEPING   ENVIRONMENT

Weeping environment pleads today for help

Only to find everyone busy to destroy it themselves

It thinks while world is so big why is human thinking so small

Why it is not their responsibility to protect nature above all

If Industrialization and urbanization have made us first in race

Then why it is the poverty population is still the curse of human race

While people are at war for conquering a simple piece of land

Floods, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are unable to withstand

Deforestation, Ozone depletion, Water crisis is nobody’s concern

Cut throat competition is an excuse to let the flora and fauna burn  

Indiscriminate use of fertilizers and pesticides have gone berserk

Very soon the granted beautiful serene landscape will be out of work

Not every mistake can be undone and be given a second chance

Global warming and Environmental conservation techniques have to enhance

Time is running out, to save mother earth is the need of the hour

If not the next generation will be ashamed of human resolving power